Nobody Can Give Birth For You (Not Even Your Doula)

From https://www.facebook.com/katelyndemidowphotography

Have I written this post before?  Maybe...

It seems like women have been fed a sort of checklist lately.  On it is all the things they must do which will yield a natural birth.  Always on this checklist is a doula.  I recommend doulas for all of my birth class students.  I love them!  They are great!  

Alas...

A doula cannot give birth for you.

Nor can your midwife, your husband, your birth teacher, or even your doctor.  (Although doctors do sometimes seem all powerful.)

The sad truth, the hard truth, the PAINFUL reality is that nobody (and I do mean nobody) can give birth for you.

You should hire a doula.  She can be supportive.  She can comforting.  She can be a wealth of knowledge and she might even be the best money you ever spent.  

But your doula cannot give birth for you.  Nor can she make medical decisions, boss around your doctor, be your advocate (you must learn to advocate for yourself OR your partner must know what you want so he can do that.)

I read a really sad article in Salon about a woman who had an awful birth experience and seemed upset, in part, at the doula she had hired.  The doula in this case may very well have been overbooked and unethical.  HOWEVER-  I think it is important to note an overwhelming and common belief about doulas.  Namely, women often believe that the doula is a magic bullet that will magically fix their birth.  

She might be great- but she CANNOT replace your own personal knowledge or understanding about birth.  She cannot teach you how to labor while you are in labor.  (It really helps to learn this beforehand.)  Nor can she make your partner magically comfortable with he birth process if he knows nothing going into it.  

A doula cannot replace your own preparation and your own education about birth.  

I will be totally honest.  I think that some women have grown tired of paternalistic, obstetric maternity care.  They don't want that anymore.  (What do I mean by paternalistic?  Paternalistic care involves a wiser,  more knowledgeable, often male, expert or doctor who tells you what to do and in fact might act "like god".  Women these days are often seeking the elusive "empowerment".   A paternalistic care provider doesn't answer your questions, but rather pats you on the head and tells you not to worry about it- they will take care of everything.  This isn't what everybody wants, but in some ways it is really quite a relief to know that somebody else will actually take care of this overwhelming and frightening situation called birth.)  

So women are tired of OBs.  They want a midwife.  They want a doula.  

But they want to have their cake and eat it too.  They want somebody to brush their hair and tell them how powerful they are but deep down inside...some women still want somebody ELSE to birth for them, to "fix it" to make all the pain go away.  

The bad news is that birth will most likely hurt.  It will most likely be hard work.  Birth will also- no matter who you hire to be with you or support- be YOUR hill to climb.  Make that a mountain.  

Sometimes we decide we don't want the OB, but we still want somebody to make it all go away. 

This is a pipe dream.  It doesn't exist.  It is high time that women rejected the paternalistic model of care not just with their provider- but with their doula too.  It sounds really nice to have somebody else "fix" our birth or in essence, give birth for us.  But it doesn't happen.  It can't happen.  IT DOESN'T WORK THAT WAY.  

This is one of the awesome but difficult things about birth.  You and only you can do it.  

Surround yourself with people who are smart and capable and also believe you can do it. 

But be strong enough to realize that while they might help, this is your rodeo, your birth, your empowerment.   

NGSS Kindergarten Weather Standard

I love watching my little engineers create!! I added the new Next Generation Science Standard (NGSS) for Weather & Climate to my Kindergarten science curriculum  & my kids LOVED the Monster Shade Challenge! I made up a little story of monsters who love to play in the sun but get very hot. They need a shade structure & I left it up to my little 5 year olds to create such a structure that would block the sun & significantly reduce the temperature. Here are some of their awesome creations:

The new Kindergarten standards:

I am always amazed at how creative they are!! When we tested our structures in the sun, each made at least a 10 degree difference in temperature. This activity is a part of my Weather & Temperature packet which you can pick up here. Hope you had a great Halloween!!

For the New Toddler Mom

It's official, I am an old lady.  I don't know how it happened or why, but it did.

I was sitting at playgroup today next to a newer mom.  Her first baby was creeping towards two.  He was doing typical things of a child that age.  Mostly non-verbal with some aggression thrown in and some inability to deal with playmates in a real grown-up way.

It was so cute!

Well, not all cute of course, because she seemed a little frustrated at times and took him out once or twice when he hit somebody.

When I see a new mom like this it takes me back a few years (OK, I am not THAT old- it wasn't that long ago that I had my first toddler).  I just want to grab my former self, or anybody with their first toddler, and give them a hug and tell them, "It is just a phase.  It is all just a phase!  They don't bite forever!"

I probably spent so much time worrying about stuff that was totally typical but seemed like something I needed to "fix" in my normal toddler.  But now, when I have a toddler, I actually enjoy most of it.  (Although, in all honesty, the period of time from about 11-18 months or so is typically hellish.  It just is.  Why do normal sleepers freak out at this point?!)

I love my final two year old.  She is so much fun.  So independent.  I love watching them get used to a world where they don't need me all the time.  I love watching them learn and enjoy and try new things.  How fun is it to hear their new words and their exploration of language?  I especially love the frequent poops in the toilet rather than the pants.  (The end of potty training is one of my all time favorite things about toddlers.)  I love that they can walk and get around on their own.  Most of the time toddlers are just so much fun.

So if you are a mom of a toddler and that child occasionally bites or hits or screams or lays on the floor and screams some more or has a few accidental pees in public or forgets all their words, I have news for you:  this all passes!  It really does.  An occasional freak out in public, while embarrassing for you, is normal and they do learn and become fairly functional in due time.  All that love and affection you showered on them through the long nights of babyhood and the endless hours of baby wearing and nursing and cuddling and co-sleeping- they pay off.  You end up with this great kid that you get to enjoy being around.

And as a bonus, the can get their own drink and find a cheese stick in the fridge all on their own.  And shoes- they can put on their own shoes!  I love this about toddlers!  Why doesn't everybody appreciate their two year old!

So enjoy them.  It passes.  I have to GRAB my eight year old for a hug, and sometimes the older ones get snarky and forget that I was once the coolest person they ever met.

Hug a two year old today.  You won't regret it.

"Keep Moving" - A Natural Hospital Birth Story

Somebody once asked me why I don't share more natural hospital birth stories.  Well- here is one!  Some great lessons on how to make it happen for you..  Check it out and you can find more information on the blogger in the bio at the bottom.  

Enjoy!

Women have the ability to do one of the most amazing things in life: childbirth. We have the ability and privilege of carrying our sweet bundle around for nine months and we then have the task and honor to birth them into this world. We were made to have children. 

For twenty six hours I went through a natural labor without pain medication telling myself just that, "I'm a woman, I was made to do this." It sort of became my mantra to say that; to remind myself that as a woman I was able to give birth without drugs. I was made to do just that. And I did it. 

From the beginning of my pregnancy I knew that I wanted to have a natural birth with no pain medication. I was often asked along the way why I wanted this so badly and I could have given all the medical reasons or all of my fears of the epidural, but really my biggest reason was that "I was made to do it." We all were. 

At one point I was tired of telling people my plan to go natural because I was tired of the smirks and the sarcastic remarks like, "good luck - I couldn't make it past four centimeters." It was almost like I was being made fun of or considered weird for wanting to do something that was natural and done over and over decades ago. 

Well when I made it to around four centimeters I did doubt my ability to do it. As I laid in that hospital bed with my mom and my husband around me I was starting to lose hope that I could do it. Laying in that bed and feeling those contractions, each wave of intense pain, and knowing that I still had a long way to go left me feeling like it was impossible. 

 Around midnight of May 7, 2013 as I laid in the hospital contracting regularly after being admitted for monitoring, I knew and the nurses knew that I wouldn't leave that hospital without a baby. It was at midnight that my husband and I would try and get some sleep and although he did, my contractions were so intense and so close together that I never slept. It wasn't until 1:46 am on May 8, 2013 that I had my baby therefore making it about twenty six long hours. 

I chose a hospital birth because of my fear that in the event of an emergency I wouldn't be able to reach our hospital if I chose to have a home birth. I admire those women that have a home birth; I would love to have the courage to one day do that. I'm very lucky that our hospital birth worked out so well for us and that my birth plan was accomplished.

After reaching that point of almost giving up so early in, my mother immediately turned into my coach and reminded me how badly I wanted to have a natural labor. She reminded me that I had to keep moving and get out of the bed and that is just what I did. 

I walked circles and circles around the wing of the hospital that our room was in. I walked circles and circles around our nurses' station. I hugged the wall many, many times. Swaying back and forth, back and forth I endured each wave of pain. I breathed on my own and didn't worry about those Lamaze exercises that I learned. When you're in labor you just tend to do what feels best and what feels natural for you.

My husband thought it was neat how I just created my own world, my own zone, and stayed there. I didn't realize until after everything was said and done that I pretty much did do that. I'd hear people talking and hear conversations between my nurse and my family, but I rarely spoke. The voices were muffled and coming from another "zone." Sometimes I even wanted to speak back but couldn't always find the strength or will power to get my lips moving.

Throughout my long labor I found relief in a warm bath for about twenty minutes every hour or so. It was there that I could actually speak and leave my zone a little. It was also there that I ran out of that tub anxious to push. Prior to my labor I always questioned how a woman would know when to push. Well I am here to tell you that you just know. I jumped on that bed soaking wet with not a stitch of clothes on screaming that I had to push. A few pushes later and my beautiful baby girl was born into this world.

Now five months later I look back at it all and realize that pushing was perhaps the best part and is also the feeling that I can still remember. Pushing my baby out was such a distinct feeling that will forever stay with me. I can hardly remember the way those contractions felt for that long period of time, but I can distinctly remember the feeling of my child being born into this world. And that still makes me smile.

My doctor actually told me that somewhere in the bible it says that God will help a woman forget the pain of childbirth. Although I don't really need to remember the pain of contractions, I don't want to ever forget the feeling of pushing. That was the day I conquered my goal of a natural birth. It was the day I felt like the most empowered version of myself. And it was the best day of my life. It was that day that I gave birth to the greatest joy I've ever felt and the deepest love that I've ever endured. The love I have for this beautiful child of mine makes all of that pain seem like nothing and made every long second of those twenty six hours worth it. Natural childbirth? Piece of cake. 

I hope you enjoyed my birth story. I am so thrilled to have shared it on Mama Birth. If you'd like to read more from me, please visit me at my blog, The Mushy Mommy. I'm a baby wearing, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, inspiring eco-friendly mama and I blog it all and so much more! 

Sasha

Good Women

Sometimes I get a little discouraged about things.  Lately it seems like people can be unkind and argumentative and that just kind of sucks.  I like to assume that everybody is awesome and it just isn't always that way.

But I had a great opportunity this weekend to do another Birth Boot Camp training, this one in Dallas.  First of all I am just in awe that I have the opportunity to do this.  I can't even adequately express how it just continues to blow me away on a daily basis how lucky I feel.  I am really "just" a housewife and now I am traveling all over the country, meeting amazing women, getting to write, and of course, spread the word about the beauty of natural birth.

Anyhoo...

I met so many great women this time.  It renewed my joy in life and my belief that the world is full of good people who can get along even if they are very different.  There is always common ground.

Here is the whole group.

 
Below is Melek.  I loved getting to know her a little.  She had a vaginal birth after not one but two cesareans.  She started a blog and Facebook page called "Black Women DO VBAC!"  You can find the blog here: http://www.blackwomendovbac.com/ and the FB page here: https://www.facebook.com/blackwomenvbac
I am sorry to admit that I didn't even realize that black women had lower VBAC rates and higher cesarean rates.  Melek is going to back home to educate women and help change the cesarean trend.  I am so blessed to have met her!  She is going to go change the world.  I truly believe that is how it is done- woman to woman, education, one person at a time.

I'm the one on the left.

Next is Alison.  Alison had a vaginal birth after three cesarean sections.  I have to say, I really admire VBAC women.  Not in a condescending way, just pure awe.  I can't really imagine how it must feel to be told by a medical professional that your body doesn't work, and have a scar to prove it.  The emotional strength it takes to stand up and say, "YES it does" is really beyond what I can comprehend.  I have had four natural births.  I am grateful for every one of them.  I also honestly don't know if I would have been that strong and had that much faith in myself and my body to fight the power and do things that I was told were not possible for me.

Talking with her just made me feel good- you know what I mean?  Some people just have a good feeling about them, and she is one of them.  I am glad to know other women who truly understand the importance of motherhood.

I met a woman who had a home birth before I was even born.  Before Google.  Before the easy access we have today to information.  She just felt right about it and she naturally birthed and parented her children in a way that was normal, attached, and beautiful.  I just LOVE hearing women listen to their own wisdom and not discounting it because it comes from them.   I know I just used the word wisdom, but I am not trying to go all hippy on ya.  Going against the grain to do what is right by our children; there is nothing older and nothing more telling about the nature of women and motherhood than doing what we know is right even when it is hard or different.  

Well, there are too many other people that I met to describe.  So many powerful and strong women out there who are going to change the world, change birth, and strengthen others.  I am lucky to be alive, lucky to know them, and lucky to be part of this.  

Infant Sleep Obsession

From a reader.

It's official; we care more about how long a baby sleeps than any other aspect of their growth or development.  Sleep length is the ultimate measure of baby goodness and parent competence.

This makes me feel kind of sad, I have to admit.  Because really, babies are so much more than just sleep.  My feelings on infant sleep have run the gamut over the years as I have made my way through four different babies with four very different sleep habits.

In fact, as I type my kids are one by one (or two by two) making their slap-footed way out of their room to disturb my nighttime typing.  Yeah- slightly irritating.

Baby one- I was a Dr Sears devotee and baby had a normal infant wake cycle where he woke about every two hours to eat.

Baby two- I was kind of burnt out from all that attachment parenting stuff and was blessed with a baby that slept 8-10 hours straight each night.  I was convinced it was because of my new found Harvey Karp devotion and was sure to let everybody know how they too could be as awesome as me.

Baby three-  As it turns out, even though I had procreated twice before and even though I did everything right, I actually knew ZERO about kids/infants/parenting/and sleep.  She started sleeping around the age of two. BOOO!!!

Baby four-  And I got lucky again.  She slept with us like a husband.  She would wake up sometimes to eat but not every hour.  She was so sweet and wonderful...still is.  By this time I had given myself the gift of not worrying so much.  Try it some time.  It is awesome.

Sleep obsession- I understand it.  I have been there.  Sleep deprived.  Freaking out.  Acting funny.  Hallucinating.  Not trusting myself on balconies.  I remember when I was kind of strung out and angry about all this sleep or lack thereof that a friend of mine just said, "It doesn't last that long.  Enjoy them."

Bah humbug!  I rolled my eyes.  She doesn't understand.  Her kids are older.  She doesn't remember the feelings of my heart!

But now...now, I am starting to think she was right.

Now my youngest is two.  Most nights I sleep pretty good.  Most nights the kids go to bed and stay in bed and they sleep all night.  Sure, I often awake with a few little people wedged in our bed around us, but I don't notice it and it doesn't ruin my night.

Now, when I hear new parents comparing sleep lengths and times between feedings (admit it- almost everybody does it), well, I just feel a little sad.

I feel a little sad for all the parents who spend their days counting, scheduling, and overall obsessing about infant sleep patterns and length and how far they can go between feedings because frankly, there isn't a whole lot of joy in that.  I feel sad because I think they are missing out a bit on the beauty of the baby.

Babies are so much more than their sleep.  They are human beings.  They need love.  They need food.  They need comfort.  Those things are needs to them. NEEDS.

Do adults need sleep?  Of course they do.  If your child's lack of sleep is harming your sanity, ruining your marriage, and giving you serious anxiety, then by all means find something that works for you.  A book, a method, a trick, a song, a swaddle, a carrier, WHATEVER.  I have been there and done that and I know how it feels to live in CRAZY TOWN.  (I have the big house on the left, on the corner of Nuts Circle and Zoloft Drive.)

Yes.  Parents need sleep.  They need time for themselves and they need mental stability and sleep is part of that.  Yes- it is HARD to raise a baby gently and intuitively in a fractured and anti-family society like our own.  And yes, we will have to make use of some modern conveniences and even techniques to preserve our own peace of mind.

But you know what else- Parents DO NOT need eight solid (or 10 or 12) hours of sleep each night.  They don't need to force, push, cajole, trick, or starve a new baby into a fairly unnatural 10 hour solid sleep block for their own sanity.

In addition, parents certainly don't need to push their very young baby (less than six  months) to sleep these very long stretches.  I will always remember, years ago, talking to a mom whose four week old had been put on a strict 10 hour sleep schedule at night.  (They had worked "really hard" letting him cry to get him to do this.)  She was very confused about her lack of milk supply.  I was very confused about how she felt that was an OK way to treat a newborn and a fellow human.

Think about this for a moment.  Let's say that your baby is fairly normal and the first few weeks they wake up every two hours.  Then around three or four months they start having some longer stretches- say three or four hours at a time.  Then around a year they are only up once or twice to eat.  (PS- at 18 months all hell breaks loose- you deserve to know that.  There is nothing you can do about it.  This does definitely suck and you may suddenly be up every hour.  Freak out time!  This tends to happen no matter how well or badly they slept earlier.  It is called MOLARS.)

Looking back, aren't you going to feel kind of silly for spending so many hours obsessing and letting a baby cry or go hungry so that you could have more sleep?  Will you feel a little bad when you realize that this was just a blip in your parenting journey and one that would have righted itself within a year or so on its own?  I know this- because it righted itself in my kids.  

Think of all the time you wasted when you could have been hugging, holding, rocking, kissing, loving, smelling, nursing, and feeding that sweet little one.

The truth is, the time does go fast and we should cherish it a little.

(Oh crap.  I just realized my last post was called, "True Confessions: I Don't Enjoy Every Moment".  I may actually be schizophrenic...)

Babies are special.  They are programmed to need love and food almost constantly.  They have small stomachs.  They also have personalities all their own from birth.  Some will take easily to a schedule, some will make their own, some will sleep and some not so much.

Take a moment and step back and just hold your baby and enjoy them for what they are right then- in that moment.  Yes- it might be hard sometimes.  In fact, I can guarantee it will be.  But it will pass.  I know I want to look back and feel like I held them as much as I could and that I gave them the love they needed.  The sad truth is that babies are much easier in many ways than older kids.  They just need YOU.  No help with homework or moral guidance.  Babies are fairly simple creatures with fairly simple needs;  love, food, mom, love, and tender arms.  Give them that- a little piece of yourself.  Give them the sacrifice they need from you.

Give your baby what they need and stop comparing sleep times with everybody else.  That other stuff doesn't really matter.  

Engineering for Kids: Building Bridges for Gnomes

The Next Generation Science Standards were just released in April of this year and there is a new engineering standard for children in grades K-5. I am so happy about this! I know we must teach scientific facts and have our kids memorize definitions of scientific terms but to truly understand what a  scientist or engineer does, we must let our children create without telling them exactly how. Let them learn through trial and error! I just completed my unit "Gnome Engineers" with my adorable first graders and it was a big hit! I started off with a story about the gnomes & a problem they have that must be solved by creating a bridge.

I gave my students this challenge: create a bridge for the gnomes that can stand on its own and can carry 2 gnomes. Their enthusiasm was overwhelming!! After showing them slides of bridges to inspire and spark discussion, my first graders immediately set to work designing their gnome bridges.  When I told them that they would actually be building the bridges - they were literally shouting with joy! They were so excited to come to science class every week - it  was so wonderful to see. Here are some of their fantastic creations:

I am so proud of them and their creativity never ceases to amaze me! They experienced the engineer's design process first-hand: 

-identify the problem

-research

-brainstorm

-draw design

-build a prototype

-test, evaluate & redesign.

For a freebie on the engineering design process, click here. To pick up a copy of my Gnomes Engineering packet, click here or on the picture below:

Happy Weekend!