True Confession: I Don't "Enjoy Every Moment"

Nobody expects kids to enjoy every moment!

You know, I often hear people use the phase, “Enjoy every moment” when it comes to motherhood. In theory, I wholeheartedly agree.  Enjoying every moment (aka: treasuring every moment, appreciating these days- they pass so quickly!, etc) sounds like a really fabulous idea.  It might even be possible if I were either wildly drunk or simply delusional or just was one of those folks who loves a puzzle like, “How do I remove poop from my ceiling?” or “What is that strange odor coming from?”.  

Alas, I don’t like foul odors or messes and I don’t drink nor am I remotely delusional enough to enjoy every moment of motherhood.  

In fact, as time has passed I have come to somewhat resent the often uttered (and can I just say- a little condescending) phrase “enjoy every moment”.  Why?  Well, quite frankly, it makes me feel kind of guilty.  

Here they are, people telling me to treasure every booger and scream and whine, and here I am...well- not enjoying all of it.  And when I hear somebody tell me that I should and I decidedly DON’T then I get an added little dose of mom guilt.

It’s OK folks- I always need more of that.  I mean, doesn’t everybody?  As if being female, Mormon, slightly chubby, and a mom wasn’t enough.  No, no- it isn’t like I awake every day feeling like at least a 5% failure.  

Please- somebody tell me that there is something broken in my heart because I didn’t just swoon with love and joy when somebody threw a bag of unpopped popcorn kernels on the floor just because it sounded fun.  (Yes, somebody did that today.  And my some miracle, the bag didn’t totally bust open and only lost a few kernels.  Yeah baby- I enjoyed it.)

So my true confession for the day is this:  NO- I DO NOT ENJOY EVERY MOMENT.  I dare you or anybody else to actually do that.  

Seriously- do we say this to people because they sell cars for a living or have a pecker?  Absolutely not.  The phrase, “Enjoy every moment” is reserved for one type of person and one type only- MOTHERS.  Perhaps the absolute most guilt ridden species ON THE PLANET.  

Nobody else has to enjoy every moment.  We even understand if freaking Brad Pitt and his perfect hair have a bad day.  But if you are a mom and and you are not in a constant state of bliss then, THANK YOU VERY MUCH you are a bad person and you better go try harder to enjoy the freak out of your every drop of life.

I am standing up for myself today.  People will hate me.  They will call me angry and bitter.  I frankly don’t consider myself angry or bitter.  I do however consider myself human and as such I think I have an innate right to sometimes not enjoy things even though they are happening to me.  

And- I would like to point out that I think a pervasive prejudice against mothers exists and perpetuates the “enjoy every moment” aspect of mothering/parenthood/self-help.  

In fact, I am starting to wonder if the phrase, “Enjoy every moment” was not created and/or patented by some pharmaceutical company that also sells anti-depressants or street drugs.  Hey Merck!  Hey cheap wine in a box manufacturers!  Hey plastic surgeons!  (Yeah- I hate them too.)  DOWN WITH YOU!!  And down with all your constant “enjoyment” crap.  I bet you almost never enjoy life and yet-  and yet- I have held warm vomit (among other things) in MY HANDS and not even gagged.

So don’t go telling me to enjoy every moment.  

I reserve the right to be sarcastic/bitter/overtired/underappreciated instead!

(PS- please don't get offended and tell me you hate me. It will make my day far less enjoyable. And if you do happen to enjoy every moment, please tell me where I can get what you are taking. And if it is legal. Who am I kidding- I live in Northern California- it is probably legal here.)